Responsibility is Life

I have been working on some of my issues as of late, as they have been surfacing and making my emotions all haywire. I conquered a huge issue of mine, or an event in my life I had been hiding from for a while. After coming to to terms with the event, with the help of my beautiful girlfriend. I decided to write an essay about it to further gain control of this event and refuse to let it haunt me.

Life is Responsibility

In every person’s life, they have many life changing events that mold and shape the person they become.  Some of those events are good and some of them are bad experiences.  Whether the experience is good or bad matters not.  The only thing that does matter is how you feel about what happened, and what changed you.  Understanding the why and how of what the experience was, allows you to appreciate what happened.  Even in a bad instance, understanding the bad experience allows you to gain control over it.  By understanding, the bad memories will no longer haunt us.  Most of the time people have things they regret, but if they just understood what happened then I believe they would not.  If something you regret did not happen, then you would be a totally different person. 

I just happen to have an extremely bad experience that I have just come to terms with, that is a perfect example of how there is no need to regret anything in life. 

When I was about 12 or 13, I don’t quite remember my exact age at the time; I attended teen camp in Verdugo Park.  For some reason there weren’t enough counselors to watch over the kids that day.  With the lack of authority around, students got out of control and did some stupid things.  One of these things happened to include me.  Two other kids got me to go into the bathroom with them.  I was bound and gagged and put into one of the stalls.  I was held there for about three hours and randomly beat up.  After the three hours I was let go and I never spoke of it again.

It was and is a bad experience of mine, probably my worst.  I had in a way deleted or forgotten the memory some how.  It started a lot of my problems.  Some of them being: demanding perfection of myself, paranoia, not being able to trust anyone, extreme hate for everything that moved, and other such things.

Two weeks ago I remembered that this had happened; the memories haunted me for a while.  I figured I needed to talk about this event to gain some more control over it.  I spoke to my girlfriend, who happened to save me from that unhealthy state of mind.  After finally working up the courage to tell her I cried a bit.  After letting out the pain though I was able to think logically about the incident.  I now had control over the memory, it was no controlling me.  I realize that this incident is an extremely huge event in my life.  It affected me very deep down without me realizing it.  I understand what happened now and I have no need to regret the event.  I do not wish for revenge or anything of the sort.  For years I had bottled this up and it has given me lots of anger.  With the understanding I have now though, much of that anger is gone.  No longer do I pity myself or believe I am a victim of a bad event.  If I could go back I wouldn’t change a thing.  This event shaped me, the short term effects of it were bad.  The long term effects though are great.  I am a better person for understanding more of who I am as a person deep down.  I no longer hold the extremely pessimistic view of the planet.  The event changed my outlook on life, and now understanding that event has changed my outlook on life again. 

I feel free and powerful, for I get to choose how I feel about every single thing that happens to me.  It seems to me I have what almost every person in the world wants, freedom and power.  My freedom and power are healthy though, I do not control others.  I only control myself and by understanding the events of my life, whether good or bad.  I am taking responsibility for my actions and for the things that happen to me.  You should be the most powerful person in your life.  For no one controls what you feel or do.  I know that in my life and am ultimately the most powerful.

..been a while

Ya once again it has been a long time since ive posted anything, i really dont have anything to say.  School sucks like usual, im starting to run now.  I walk my girlfriend home from school.  Thats about it, though I did get extremely excited about the movie “300″ that is coming out in March.  I watched the two trailers 112 times each so ya… other than that nothing has really been happening.  Whitecave covered Ken’s car with shaving cream on New Year’s eve and ya… I got Star Wars Legacy which really pleases the trekkie in me.  My girlfriend’s mom loves guitar hero which is awsome… yup ok im gonna go sleep.

The Gift

Well my girlfriend, Emily, absolutely LOVED her gift.  It was the Pirates 2 DVD and 2 silicone wristbands, similar to the livestrong bands, that say Nate <3 Emily.  I have one of the wristbands and she has the other.  I did my own artwork for the wrapping paper and used ribbon creatively to tie it all together, never got a picture but ya.  It was really great.  She was super happy so it was a success. 

pre-Winter Solstice

Yup It is almost here, Winter Solstice for me, Christmas, Hanukkah, or whatever you celebrate is coming up for others. I am excited that the days will soon start to get longer, Im tired of this cold darkness all the time. Weird though that I like the Moon more than the Sun. Whatever haha, well I have been working on a gift for my girlfriend, Emily, for some time now. I think I did a good job, it is really neat and actually has meaning instead of a lame mean nothing cliche christmas gift that everyone likes to give around this time. Now I have no given it to her yet, and I want it to be a suprise so I can tell everyone what it is quite yet. Once I give it to her I will write another post tell the few people who actually read this what happened. I will post pictures of the gift and stuff like that too, I spent a good 3-4 hours on it so ya. The ENTIRE gift is the present, nothing needs to be thrown away. The ENTIRE thing has meaning and is part of the gift. I am sure she will absolutely love it. Anyways, the new blog layout isnt even started yet haha. Really and truly I dont have the slightest clue when I will build it. Maybe if my laptop could function as a laptop I would use it more often and actually work on it but whatever. I hope everyone has a good holiday. I am now part of the ASB at my school, we had a potluck party today. I made meatballs with a super awsome recipe that my stepmom hooked me up with. Everyone loved them and complimented me. Also my Xbox Live Gold membership ran out today now I cant play Gears of War with Stephen, hopefully I will be getting the year membership I asked for. If not I will buy one after the holidays. My Nintendo Wii is still keeping me occupied so at least I am not bored. Tomorrow I am going to help set up for an Arnis tournament I will be participating in. Saturday is the day of the tournament, I have trained only one day out of the week due to being so busy. I do not expect to win, but I am going in with a winning attitude. If you were to ask me if I am going to win, I would respong with a “FUCK YA!” in a nonchalant what kind of question is that attitude. Anyways I will post about that too, and hopefully get some pictures. Mark needs me to do this for his Senior project at Clark. Life if pretty good at the moment, just busy. I am no going to go watch Clerks 2 becuase I have not seen it for some reason I cannot seem to decipher. Once again, have a happy holiday!

Deja Vu

Critics are bashing this movie with no abandon.  They keep saying that they talk about a bunch of gibberish… which is in effect gibberish.  they talk about Theoretical physics and string theory.  They talk about scientific facts and theories that are very intresting.  They talk about Dimensional travel, not time travel.  Anyone who bashes this movie… I have less respect for you.  This movie is really good and really awsome.  My brother and I had a huge theorteical physics talk afterwards.  We were being really nerdy and it was really fun.  Haha go see this movie, it is really good but requires some knowledge.  If you wish to gain some knowledge about dimensional theories visit this web site here.  If you really get intrested all i can say is the wikipedia and the internet are you best firends for learning new things.  Go have fun and go see the movie Deja Vu.  Oh yes and the dance I am going to… my girlfriend got a dark red dress… i bet it is really cool.  My grandmother bought me a suit and it is really nice… anyways Deja Vu!!!!! go see it!!!

Blue man group

Well here I am in Chicago for the week visiting family over thanksgiving break.  We went and saw the Blue Man Group today.  I would have to say… you havent truly enjoyed life until you have seen them perform.  They do a great job at including the audience and the whole thing is just awsome/funny/beautiful at the same time.  I love how they focus on making art real, trying to release art from being restricted on a 2D surface.  I would have to express that they do this, and extremely well.  Anyways, the temperature over here wasn’t that bad today… whopping high 60 degrees.  Since I come from California though, that is pretty damn cold.  Anyways I love it over here, everything feels old and laid back.  More updates soon, hopefully I will be finishing up an actual blog layout.  I probably get my own domain and move my blog to whatever hosting solution i can find affordable.  When all that goes down I’ll send the links and all that.  Until then, I am off to go freeze.

Whitecave operation: Ninja Pirate

haha ok so Whalen had to go do this thing for an English class or something. It was at Glendale High in the cafeteria. Supposedly only kids from the classes were allowed to come back Whalen brought me anyways XD. Anyways so ya, we played it cool at first, i made sure not to attract any unecassary attention to myself, without seeming conspicuous. At one point we could see the teachers talking about me wondering who i was… they never said anything to me though. So we lined up at the doors, guys on one side girls on the other. Guys hold their arm out the girl lays hers on top of his haha. Too bad im bad with names but ya, i think her name was tracy, dont qoute me on that. We exchanged a few words and made some small talk. She wants to be a history teacher which i think totally rocks. So ya Whalen and I got seperated, so i was with Isaam and Tracy and some other people at my own table. There was food, which i hated becuase I am a picky eater. I juggled for a bit. Then we did a renaisance dance which basically just ended up being a huge clusterfuck as I like to call it. Anyways, it was a pretty good time. Whalen was pissed as fuck, not really suprising this kind of thing really isnt his bag of chips. Technically tonight I was the party crasher, so i was all excited. Teachers never said anything to me, and ya it was fun. Once again I leave the legacy of Nate behind for people to remember forever! MUAHAHHAHA. No really it was weird, basically everyone knew I was from Daily… but no one cared. Anyways it was great to finally be around some kids that dont think they are gangsters or are actually gang bangers. It was fun and real. One thing I wish though is that Emily could have come along, I am sure she would have had a blast.

A Whitecave operation failure

Well today Phil, Whalen, and I were driving up to newcomes ranch in the crest. We were trying fast, pushing the cars a little bit. Well Whalen went around this one turn it went left. Phil and I are about 300 feet back. We come around the corner and see a big dust cloud and we were like w/e and then we went around the turn and there was a huge dust cloud… Whalen totaled his car. It was weird though because the road turns to the left and from the look of things his rear right tire hit some gravel. Instead of his car sliding into the mountain on the right though the car shot out across the oncoming lane and slammed into the mountain on that side. He was probably doing about 50-55 mph. He wasn’t hurt which is good but his car definately wont run again. We had 4 forest fire trucks there, a highway patrol truck, a sheriff truck, and a sheriff helicopter there. Man was i scared he got hurt but he wasn’t which is good, really good. Anyways now its all said and done, and everything is ok. Whalen’s life is basically crap now. He just got about $2000 worth of work done on his car and now its broken. Whalen wasn’t worried about the car though, or himself. He was just pissed that now his parents are going to tear him a new asshole and make his life shit. It was a big wake up call for me, I’m not going to stop doing stupid teenage stuff but i might tone it down a bit. I think of how lucky i was that Whalen told me to ride with Phil and not him. I could be hurt right now if he had let me ride with him. That is the only reason it is a wake up call, I didn’t really care at all about my well being until I had Emily in my life. Before she became my girlfriend I was being reckless on purpose because i hated everything but I don’t believe in suicide so ya. I called her up, I feel better now. She is the only reason I was scared. It is weird though cuz it was my life was in danger not hers, but I don’t know I guess I just got scared that I could so easily lose my life or that she could lose hers. I don’t want to have to go through all that. My family probably wonders why I don’t care about them in the same way, but I am not going to dignify that with an answer, if they just payed attention the truth would be obvious. You can see video of the damage here and you can see a picture of what happened here

when the shit hits the fan

Tonight I went to a costume party with Emily.  It was fun, i had a great time.  When i left though her mom and bro saw me.  So when i got home, greg talked to me online.  Accused me of knowing what was going on… i did to a degree.  I had asked Emily if i could go to the party with her and she said it was fine.  She didnt tell her parents i was going to be there though, i have never bothered to ask… i wasnt thinking about that i was thinking about seeing my girlfriend.  Well anyways I am banned from seeing my girlfriend in any way shape or form for some undetermind amount of time.  Its extreme faggotry.  Anyways now i am going to rant cuz im fucking pissed.  First of all her parents dont have any fucking clue.  Ya i said it, NOT A DAMN FUCKING CLUE.  I am sorry drunk dad, if all you do is drink your hiding from your past.  You dont deserve nor have the right to give Emily any advice besides, “Dont turn out as a drunk like me.”  I am pretty sure he did a lot of stuff he regrets, therefore he takes all this shit that has made him pitiful and throws it Emily’s way.  Naturally being that he is extremely over protective.  Telling her things like he would kick any guys ass that was her boyfriend and the such.  Nate the decided to ignore these threats, and not let him intimidate me.  I hold those same feelings.  I will not be intimidated or shot down by his threats because he is afraid.  Her mom also had a shitload of bad experiences.  So naturally, she believes Emily’s teen years will be EXACTLY the same as hers and make sure to shelter her from absolutely every god damned thing imaginable whether it be real or not.  Anyways, what neither of them seem to know is that if they continue doing this same stuff, Emily will probably do one of two things.  She will act out in a bad way figuring she has nothing to lose.  This could come in the form of bad grades, sneaking out, ignoring parents, and becoming distant.  Once any creature on this planet is backed into a corner it lashes out, cause and fucking effect retards.  Maybe though she will use her smarts and be able to channel her anger into a useful thing and wage a silent war upon her family.  Destroying them morally and giving them what they deserve for being such fucking dickweeds.  Kind of what i do to my family a little.  They all say they know who i am but if they really knew, they would just leave me the fuck alone.  I dont expect anything from them and i do not ask for things on a regular basis, figuring the answer will probably be no.  Why do i assume that though?  Well ever since a young age people yelled at each other for asking questions in my family, so cause and effect again, i took that to heart and now have a slight fear of asking questions of anyone in my family.  Back to Emily though,  I am guessing once she hits this stage of absolute desperateness, her parents will still refuse to see the truth and just become more strict.  I am hoping i dont lose the Emily ive come to love, i hope she is somehow able to retain some sense of self-worth and diginity if and when that happens.  Anyways, i knew all the consequences of going out with Emily.  I took them all into account before i decided to accept my feelings for her, i ignored them for a long time because of her age.  In a way i chose all of this, which reminds me of how i used to be.  My extremely hateful, self loathing, heartless bastard who hates the whole world.  Am i crazy, was the only reason i decided to be Emily’s boyfriend was because deep down somewhere i knew this would happen?  Is it once again my subconcious doing things to keep me in a certain state of mind?  I pray and hope that that is not the case, i do not know what i would do if i have betrayed myself and most of all betrayed the girl i love.  If all of this is my doing, for i cannot quite think rationally at the moment, Emily deserves non of it.  She doesn’t deserve to be toyed with.  She deserves respect and to be treated well, i have thought up until now that i have been doing that… im not so sure now, im trying to think back on all of the things ive said and done.  Have all the things ive said been from a true place of heart, i believe that they have been.  My morales would dictate so.  I am not sure though, there is doubt, and that makes me scared.  If i have a subconcious that does things without me knowing, if i truly do not have the morales i think i do, if i am the shallow guy asshole that ive said i hate… what is a man to do?

blood rage

I had to write an essay about a life changing experience for my English class… here is it in all its glory. It also got me wondering, if they check my essay for plagarism on the internet… will it check my website? If so what happens? Should be intresting to find out. I haven’t seen Emily in almost a week and I really miss her but ya, cant wait to see her… hopefully soon. She actually distracted me from writing this for about a half an hour or so. She gives me writers block XD anyways haha, enjoy the essay.

 

Emanations of Blood Rage

Have you experienced an unstoppable rage? You, the teacher, have asked for a 5 paragraph essay asking about a traumatic or life changing experience. I am going to express both things with one story from my slightly interesting life. My story speaks of betrayal and anger. My story is about losing control, about metal and psychological growth. Though I find the typical five paragraph essay constricting to say the least I shall attempt to conform. My story begins with my best friend of four years arriving at my house.

His name was Kevin; he had just got a new airsoft gun. He called me up and, of course, I had no problem with him coming over. He was my best friend after all I trusted him. He arrives with the airsoft gun. It was a pretty big gun, gas powered. It could shoot 350-400 fps. In case you don’t know what an airsoft gun is, it is a gun that shoots small plastic BB’s about the same size as what BB guns shoot. Everything was cool; we were just hanging out like guys do. Then he got slightly offensive, threw out a couple threats. I didn’t think much of it; he was probably just trying to make sure he was the Alpha male. Stupid men and their dumbass power trips. Anyways I didn’t think anything of it. Then he asked if he could have twenty dollars. Ironically earlier that day I found a twenty in the laundry, it was the first time I had ever found money in the laundry. He then told my brother and me to sit down on the couch. I obeyed at first wondering what was up.

Then he got angry, he demanded twenty dollars. I was kind of shocked; I told him I didn’t have the money even though it was right in my pocket. He then shot my brother. I couldn’t believe it; he shot my brother from less than 6 feet away. I continued with my bluff though, I repeated that I didn’t have twenty dollars. I wanted to diffuse the situation without it coming to blows. I so desperately wanted to figure out what the ^%$# was going on. Why was my best friend doing this! He then shot me, 3 times. Damn did it sting; I could feel my rage building. My alter ego invaded my thoughts, telling me to slaughter him. I tried to fight my alter ego; no longer could I hear what anyone was saying. He kept sitting there, with a smug look on his face. I felt my muscles begin to twitch. Every muscle in my body wanted to wipe that smart ass grin off his face, wanted make him feel pain. I continued to fight myself though, hardly holding my anger in check. Then I looked over, my bro was on the verge of tears. I lost control of my anger.

I exploded; my vision clouded a deep dark red. My brain reverting to its core survival instinct. I couldn’t hear and I couldn’t see. All I could think was to kill this person, reduce him to the status of a bloody pulp on my living room floor. I shot across the living room at lightning speed, my fists slamming into the gun breaking it apart. My fists pumping to the tune of an unstoppable rage, slamming into his figure. My normal self regained some mental control, my vision started to return to normal. My fists slowed down, my brain realizing what I was doing. Kevin, finally having some room to move, punched back. His fist slamming right into my temple. I could feel myself swoon, I struggled to hold on to conciousness. I grabbed the gun away from him and opened the door. I told him “Get the $%&# out of my house.” He obeyed I threw the gun after him. I checked all the doors and windows in the house, making sure they were locked. Unable to totally comprehend what had happened, I turned on some death metal music and played Call of Duty on my computer. My mom came home and saw the massive bump on the side of my head. I never saw Kevin again.

I learned much from this incident, one the good things being that I do have personal power and the ability to stand up for myself. There were more bad effects than good though. This happened 3 years ago and to this day I still have major trust issues and paranoia. After this incident I slept with a knife under my pillow for about a year, I’ve tried hard to overcome my paranoia, now the knife resides on my bookcase less that 4 feet away. Regardless of the bad effects, I grew a lot from this experience. I understand myself better and I am no able to tap into that same energy that put me into my “blood rage” whenever I want. If I had the choice to go back and prevent that event from happening, I wouldn’t. Without this experience I wouldn’t be the person I am, I choose to let this experience build on my character. I don’t let it bring me down.