Tonight I went to a costume party with Emily. It was fun, i had a great time. When i left though her mom and bro saw me. So when i got home, greg talked to me online. Accused me of knowing what was going on… i did to a degree. I had asked Emily if i could go to the party with her and she said it was fine. She didnt tell her parents i was going to be there though, i have never bothered to ask… i wasnt thinking about that i was thinking about seeing my girlfriend. Well anyways I am banned from seeing my girlfriend in any way shape or form for some undetermind amount of time. Its extreme faggotry. Anyways now i am going to rant cuz im fucking pissed. First of all her parents dont have any fucking clue. Ya i said it, NOT A DAMN FUCKING CLUE. I am sorry drunk dad, if all you do is drink your hiding from your past. You dont deserve nor have the right to give Emily any advice besides, “Dont turn out as a drunk like me.” I am pretty sure he did a lot of stuff he regrets, therefore he takes all this shit that has made him pitiful and throws it Emily’s way. Naturally being that he is extremely over protective. Telling her things like he would kick any guys ass that was her boyfriend and the such. Nate the decided to ignore these threats, and not let him intimidate me. I hold those same feelings. I will not be intimidated or shot down by his threats because he is afraid. Her mom also had a shitload of bad experiences. So naturally, she believes Emily’s teen years will be EXACTLY the same as hers and make sure to shelter her from absolutely every god damned thing imaginable whether it be real or not. Anyways, what neither of them seem to know is that if they continue doing this same stuff, Emily will probably do one of two things. She will act out in a bad way figuring she has nothing to lose. This could come in the form of bad grades, sneaking out, ignoring parents, and becoming distant. Once any creature on this planet is backed into a corner it lashes out, cause and fucking effect retards. Maybe though she will use her smarts and be able to channel her anger into a useful thing and wage a silent war upon her family. Destroying them morally and giving them what they deserve for being such fucking dickweeds. Kind of what i do to my family a little. They all say they know who i am but if they really knew, they would just leave me the fuck alone. I dont expect anything from them and i do not ask for things on a regular basis, figuring the answer will probably be no. Why do i assume that though? Well ever since a young age people yelled at each other for asking questions in my family, so cause and effect again, i took that to heart and now have a slight fear of asking questions of anyone in my family. Back to Emily though, I am guessing once she hits this stage of absolute desperateness, her parents will still refuse to see the truth and just become more strict. I am hoping i dont lose the Emily ive come to love, i hope she is somehow able to retain some sense of self-worth and diginity if and when that happens. Anyways, i knew all the consequences of going out with Emily. I took them all into account before i decided to accept my feelings for her, i ignored them for a long time because of her age. In a way i chose all of this, which reminds me of how i used to be. My extremely hateful, self loathing, heartless bastard who hates the whole world. Am i crazy, was the only reason i decided to be Emily’s boyfriend was because deep down somewhere i knew this would happen? Is it once again my subconcious doing things to keep me in a certain state of mind? I pray and hope that that is not the case, i do not know what i would do if i have betrayed myself and most of all betrayed the girl i love. If all of this is my doing, for i cannot quite think rationally at the moment, Emily deserves non of it. She doesn’t deserve to be toyed with. She deserves respect and to be treated well, i have thought up until now that i have been doing that… im not so sure now, im trying to think back on all of the things ive said and done. Have all the things ive said been from a true place of heart, i believe that they have been. My morales would dictate so. I am not sure though, there is doubt, and that makes me scared. If i have a subconcious that does things without me knowing, if i truly do not have the morales i think i do, if i am the shallow guy asshole that ive said i hate… what is a man to do?
If i wasnt ready for them though i wouldnt be posting this, id just keep my mouth shut and nod yes like a good little automaton bitch.
