I have been working on some of my issues as of late, as they have been surfacing and making my emotions all haywire. I conquered a huge issue of mine, or an event in my life I had been hiding from for a while. After coming to to terms with the event, with the help of my beautiful girlfriend. I decided to write an essay about it to further gain control of this event and refuse to let it haunt me.
Life is Responsibility
In every person’s life, they have many life changing events that mold and shape the person they become. Some of those events are good and some of them are bad experiences. Whether the experience is good or bad matters not. The only thing that does matter is how you feel about what happened, and what changed you. Understanding the why and how of what the experience was, allows you to appreciate what happened. Even in a bad instance, understanding the bad experience allows you to gain control over it. By understanding, the bad memories will no longer haunt us. Most of the time people have things they regret, but if they just understood what happened then I believe they would not. If something you regret did not happen, then you would be a totally different person.
I just happen to have an extremely bad experience that I have just come to terms with, that is a perfect example of how there is no need to regret anything in life.
When I was about 12 or 13, I don’t quite remember my exact age at the time; I attended teen camp in Verdugo Park. For some reason there weren’t enough counselors to watch over the kids that day. With the lack of authority around, students got out of control and did some stupid things. One of these things happened to include me. Two other kids got me to go into the bathroom with them. I was bound and gagged and put into one of the stalls. I was held there for about three hours and randomly beat up. After the three hours I was let go and I never spoke of it again.
It was and is a bad experience of mine, probably my worst. I had in a way deleted or forgotten the memory some how. It started a lot of my problems. Some of them being: demanding perfection of myself, paranoia, not being able to trust anyone, extreme hate for everything that moved, and other such things.
Two weeks ago I remembered that this had happened; the memories haunted me for a while. I figured I needed to talk about this event to gain some more control over it. I spoke to my girlfriend, who happened to save me from that unhealthy state of mind. After finally working up the courage to tell her I cried a bit. After letting out the pain though I was able to think logically about the incident. I now had control over the memory, it was no controlling me. I realize that this incident is an extremely huge event in my life. It affected me very deep down without me realizing it. I understand what happened now and I have no need to regret the event. I do not wish for revenge or anything of the sort. For years I had bottled this up and it has given me lots of anger. With the understanding I have now though, much of that anger is gone. No longer do I pity myself or believe I am a victim of a bad event. If I could go back I wouldn’t change a thing. This event shaped me, the short term effects of it were bad. The long term effects though are great. I am a better person for understanding more of who I am as a person deep down. I no longer hold the extremely pessimistic view of the planet. The event changed my outlook on life, and now understanding that event has changed my outlook on life again.
I feel free and powerful, for I get to choose how I feel about every single thing that happens to me. It seems to me I have what almost every person in the world wants, freedom and power. My freedom and power are healthy though, I do not control others. I only control myself and by understanding the events of my life, whether good or bad. I am taking responsibility for my actions and for the things that happen to me. You should be the most powerful person in your life. For no one controls what you feel or do. I know that in my life and am ultimately the most powerful.
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